BREAKING NEWS: Robert Griffin III Busted For Steroids

Robert Griffin III should not be on the field for the rest of the season, at least.

According to sources from around the league, Griffin tested positive for PEDs during a urine test taken during training camp - the team should privately leak to local media sources, clarifying that - the complicated chemistry of the illegal substance resulted in the prolonged rendering…

RG3

Okay…

That’s not technically true. But the fact that no such positive Griffin drug test exists should not deter the organization from taking the necessary actions to ensure the future of this team.

It wouldn’t be the first time the team publicly went with one story about the physical conditions of one of its players rather than another.

With this false report - which they would concede to having happened, accepting the punishment in the same way the team accepted the 18 million dollar salary cap hit they got because they followed the written rules with a little too much gusto - the team would be armed with the perfect excuse to execute a plan that would better the odds of them winning the Super Bowl - the one and only thing that matters in the NFL.

For a myriad of reasons, the team around Griffin has deteriorated into a squad in which no player other than Griffin on either side of the ball is worthy of being on an NFL field. Without a playoff or a Super Bowl run in sight, there are no positives to be taken from the on field activities of the 2012 Washington Redskins.

The only possible positive outcome every time Griffin steps on the field now is the glimmer of hope that he will be able to step off of that field on his own free will by the end of the game without injury, damage or excessive mental anguish.

Sunday night Griffin took X-rays on his ribs at a local hospital after finishing the game against Carolina. It is beyond me that the team doctors were allowed to report that the tests were negative. There needs to be further investigation into that medical visit. The doctors should have found a blot on his record, which should turn out to be the organization attempting to cover up his positive drug test. Griffin should be suspended for the season.

It would be that easy. And sitting him would that be beneficial.

Coming into the preseason most Redskins fans I talked to around Redskins Park told me in essence that the season would be a success if Griffin validated his price tag. He has done so and more. Now it’s time to sit him.

Although they were his worst statistically, Griffin’s most impressive games as a passer might have been the past two, losses to the Steelers and the Panthers.

The kid is putting the ball on people’s hands,people not worthy of laying a finger on his balls…let alone play starters minutes in the NFL, (or any minutes in any professional sports league).

Some would say that we have receivers that can catch but that they don’t have receivers that can win.

That’s being far too kind.

In the second quarter of the Carolina game, the Redskins completed back to back fourth-downs and put the ball on the Panthers two-yard line. In the next four following plays, the Redskins did not attempt a strike into the end-zone. Makes sense. We have no receivers.

Josh Morgan should have been cut twenty times this season. Besides SINGLE-HANDEDLY losing us at least two games, Morgan hasn’t blocked an opposing defender yet.

Pierre Garcon is the Redskins’ Mark Price.

Much has been made that Logan Paulsen is a good guy who works as hard as anybody even if he is not blessed with the necessary natural talent of an NFL starting tight-end. That cannot be true. A good guy who works hard would never be as slow and stiff running routes as Paulsen has shown himself to be.

Niles Paul as well should be playing in Arena Football (at best).

Contrary to reports, Leonard Hankerson has ZERO potential - he will never be a number one or number two guy, and recent reports from sources close to the situation have indicated that the receiver has re-enrolled in the University of Miami to finish his degree in Sanskrit,i.e. he is considering a legitimate day job.

Two Sundays ago, quarterback Robert Griffin III sprinted away from James Harrison toward the sideline. Throwing slightly left, back across his body, to compensate for his momentum, he threw a straight-ahead bullet at chest height twenty yards down field to a streaking a Leo Hankerson in the shallow corner of the end-zone.

Incomplete.

By all accounts, we can’t let that stuff happen. We cannot let these plays, destined to become the iconic images of not only the Redskins but the entire NFL for years to come, slip away.

Robert Griffin III should not be on the field. Somebody screaming,”Steroids!” is the answer.

Despite the numbers drop, Griffin is a better, more complete quarterback now than he has ever been in his career. That’s not news; he’s young and he’s learning. But the only significant improvement I have seen in his game has come from the first week of training camp to the last.

That’s the only thing he needs. More practice. Let’s get him that with a lie to the media (and I guess to most of the fans). The Redskins public relations department could have fun with the dupe (as they almost always do) releasing a clever statement that lets true fans read between the lines:

Griffin Suspended Season for Performance Enhancement Techniques.

Those PET’s being the mountains of playbooks and defensive looks we would throw his way from Monday to Saturday. He will improve. Risk free. It’s the best possible deal for Washington.

But wait - there’s more!

Outside of just dramatically diminishing the risk of injury, sitting Griffin for the final seven games of the season will also have carry three other worthwhile benefits.

First of all, the public shame of a steroids allegations would lose Griffin many of his sponsorships, allowing him to focus solely on football and improvement.

Second, opposing defenses will have significantly less tape to adjust to when Griffin comes back to take the league by storm in 2013. Everybody knows that the only reason Cam Newton has struggled through most of the season is that opposing defenses have a leg up on his approach. The less we play Griffin, the better he will perform.

Third and most important, if Griffin sits Kirk Cousins will be able to get much needed NFL experience.

Forget trade value. We’re going to need him.

Cousins is almost certain to be our backup quarterback for the next 10 seasons, during which there will come a time when he will have to win us a big game against a good team. Let him play Philadelphia. For one thing, the Eagles wouldn’t see it coming - and would almost certainly fold under the confusion. We already know what Griffin can do, helping Cousins mature is far more pertinent.

In fact, the team would benefit if Griffin’s made-up steroid allegation lingered for the entirety of next season as well. Statistically analysis has proven over the years that quarterbacks play their best football between the ages of 27 and 28. Why would we want to risk wasting those years?

Let Griffin battle these allegations - maybe go to prison a couple times - and by 2018 he and we will be the odds on favorite to win it all.

And isn’t that what it’s all about?

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#satirical